I took a sense of God's goodness and kindness into my middle school and high school years. It wasn't the easiest of times to understand God. My high school, a very high-achieving all-boys school in Nashville, was not a Christian school. For the most part, the people at school that I saw as strong Christians were hard to understand. They were always happy and not necessarily the coolest kids. They seemed to follow strict moral rules more than live the life that I really wanted. Despite this, I did go to youth group and was seeking to know God and to be close to him, as I did feel a yearning in my heart.
At the same time my desires were also for the things that the cool kids were going after, such as popularity, and girls, and being the best at whatever I did. During this time I had several experiences that I would call spiritual, but I was confused by the messages I was receiving at my Baptist church. The overall message was about being saved and born again, then being a good person and trying to save other people. As a very sensitive kid, I was not sure if I really was saved. I had some doubts. Instead of seeking a deeper relationship with God, I was more concerned with whether I had been saved and would be going to heaven. It seemed like a very black and white, you’re-either-in-or-you’re-out, kind of thing, but I didn’t have that assurance.
So, during youth group times when the youth pastor would ask for us to dedicate our lives to Jesus, I would do so without feeling an overriding sense that I was saved. I also felt a bit lonely and that I didn't quite fit in at the youth group socially. Those doubts and fears of where I stood with God were completely changed during final year of high school.
It was the fall of my senior year. Over the span of one week, a sequence of events came together to form what I would call a conversion experience. It started with some beautiful morning skies, including a rainbow I saw on the way to school. Something in my heart was whispering that things were different. Something was in the air. God used the beauty of his creation to drop these hints. I even noticed a labyrinth of ants on the sidewalk and said to myself, “Am I just like them, going in a line with everyone else without knowing why, or is there something more to my story?” Later that week, a close friend invited me to an after-school event that I had never attended before. I had never felt the urge to go, but this time when he asked me, I just told him, “Yes, I’ll be there.” I remember not knowing why I had just said yes, but I said it anyway.
At that event, my friend shared his story about his coming to know and trust God with the big and small things in his life, particularly with his own understanding of who he was. He shared about how he put his identity in who he was as a golfer — by that he meant that when he was successful on the golf course, he was happy with himself and who he was. This resonated with me as I had played poorly in recent tennis tournaments and my self-esteem was pretty low. I had nothing to brag about.
While I was in this place, I was also humbled by even more events that revealed to me that God is real and he is capable of doing things in our daily lives. More than that, he is able to speak into our strengths and weaknesses. He is able to reach our minds and hearts. So after the sequence of events, I came to the point where I really wanted to know that God was real. These events caused me to have absolute certainty that God was real. I could feel him moving in the normal things in my life. Most of all, he exposed some of the parts of me that I was not this particularly proud of and I knew he was the only one who could have done this. So, driving home on a Friday night, I pulled my car into an empty church parking lot, quieted myself, and asked out loud for Jesus to enter into my heart. While I was saying those words, my heart was also saying, “God, I know you are real, and if you are real, then I want to take you seriously.”
What happened then was really hard to explain, but I felt a flood of emotion and adrenaline. I heard a voice within my thoughts that did not feel like a voice of my own in my head. This rapidly repeating voice did not stop for several days. It was as if every single moment I could hear,
youaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresaved
youaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresaved
youaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresaved
youaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresaved
youaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresavedyouaresaved
I have come to know that voice and that experience particularly as God, through the Holy Spirit, speaking in my heart and mind. It was unique to my story because God knew of my doubts and my fears. I don't think everyone has to have such a climactic moment or real experience like that, but God knew where I was. His presence and those words in my heart would create a deep conviction in me that he was real and active in this world and in my life.
From that moment and in other weeks and months ahead, I had a much stronger desire to know God and know who I was in light of who God is. If I am to know who I am, I have to know who God is. He is my creator. I am made in his image.
It was not a perfect journey from then on in my life. But, there was a strong thirst for God and things I used to care about did not seem as important. I found comfort from God in times when I was struggling with school, or with girls, or with athletics. In many ways, my earliest experiences with God were of him showing up in my loneliness and fears and weaknesses. In those times of struggle and pain he was there to comfort me in my heart and in my head.