John: 1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. 4 In him was life, and the life was the light of men. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
I was born in Cincinnati. When I was 18 months old, a routine doctor checkup identified a larger lump in my abdomen. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that I had a tumor in my left kidney — a somewhat rare child cancer called a Wilms’ tumor. After over a year of doctor visits including chemotherapy, my kidney was removed. The long scar across my stomach serves as a reminder for me today. More importantly, it shows me that despite the world not being perfect, God is good and he is faithful.
When I grew to the age of playing sports at around 4-5 years old, I had to wear a special kidney pad to protect my remaining kidney. I had to choose whether to wear this pad over or under my jersey. It was more comfortable to wear outside my jersey, but everyone would see it. If I wore it under my jersey, people still knew there was something different about me. It was an early test of hiding or accepting my own brokenness. Either way, kids on the other teams would ask me what it was and why I was wearing it. I remember not liking those questions. The kidney pad marked me as someone that is different than everyone else. I anticipated these questions each Saturday when I played my soccer games. I internalized these feelings in many ways and this early social interaction caused me to be more shy and anxious out in public.
Despite having to wear the kidney pad, I loved playing soccer. I also loved basketball, football, and baseball. I’ve come to realize that most kids need a larger story through which they can feel passion. It could be in sports, art, music, ballet, karate, or even being a an expert pancake maker on Saturday mornings. I found my larger story on the playing field. I was pretty small, but fortunately I was fast. Thanks to my dad having an athletic background and an older brother who would play with me, I was a step ahead of most kids. While I had successful games at an early age, on the baseball diamond, the soccer field, and the basketball court, where I had reason to celebrate afterwards, I felt most comfortable in the flow of the game. I didn’t like timeouts or half times — I just wanted to keep playing the game and get lost in it. In one of my best little league soccer games, I scored eight goals. Through watching home videos of this game, I learned that I wasn’t much for celebrating these goals. When I scored, I would sprint as fast I could back to mid-field and stand waiting for the game to continue. Deep inside, I loved the idea of the underdog. I was small and underestimated by other teams, but I could come through for my team.
I also felt a larger story going on in my heart as I felt a connection with the Bible and God because of my kidney. The three “God” things that I can remember feeling most as a child were 1) that God is real; 2) that God is good; and 3) that God loves me.
I do not recall my parents talking to me very much about God in my early years — only from time to time. I suspect this is similar to most kids who are not too introspective or concerned with the eternal cosmos compared to their next bowl of ice cream or playtime. But, I would read Bible stories with them on occasion. I also had a ritual with my mom where we would pray for people every night. It would normally start with, “God, thank you for this day. Thank you for our family and friends.” Then it would move to a quasi-memory game where I would list every family member I could think of: from Mom and Dad, to my brother, to my aunt and uncle, cousins, and grandparents. It was an exercise in who was in my family as much as it was a prayer, but I remember feeling good as I simply prayed, “God, please be with Mom… with Dad… with Xan, with Zach, Aunt Cindy, Uncle Mike, Grandpa, Grandma, Pogee, NanNan, etc.” On one of those nights, when I was lying down on my water bed or bunk bed, I asked my mom about my kidney and God.
I don’t remember the questions or what I was trying to express, but I remember the essence of my mom’s response. This response was my first memory of who God is and what he is like. Looking back, it was probably the best gift that our great Redeemer could have given me after the hardships of my kidney cancer and surgery. My mom said, “There’s something special about you, Zac. There’s a reason you are still here today. We were very lucky that the doctor found the problem so early with your kidney when she did. God was looking out for us, and I think God’s going to do something really special with you.”
At the young age of 5 or 6, I can remember a strong warmth in my heart, as I do today when I think about that moment when my mom shared this. I believe this was the Holy Spirit confirming the truth of my mom’s words. And from that moment, I have always had a deep trust and belief that God is real, that God is good, and that God mysteriously and wonderfully is able to care about all of us in a deeply personal way. It was, as scripture says, the simple faith of a child.
I remember trying, on future nights, to understand how God could work in so many people’s lives at the same time. It was almost like wondering how Santa could deliver so many presents to all the world’s children in one night. How could he be present to each person in their needs and desires all at the same time? It was a serious mystery, but one I believed because my literal existence and the scar on my stomach was proof of God’s presence and goodness. I never thought, “God why did you do this to me?” but “Thank you for saving me.”
So from an early age, I had a story unfolding where God was the main character. Against some major odds, God kept me alive. Despite a world where disease exists, God can come through. Despite our being weak, God can make us strong. Despite having only one kidney and being different, God can do something special with everyone.
Chapter extension: Theological Reflection for Parents or Mentors
I am excited to share my story with you — one with many twists and turns like most good stories. All great stories have crucial contexts, the most important being how things started in the beginning. It is these “stories of origin” that make the difference in understanding stories more fully. Think about the most popular movies, e.g., Lord of the Rings, Braveheart, Hunger Games, etc.. Many of them start “in medias res,” but there is always a flashback. They are careful to explain how everything started, or how things got to be the way they are. It is the same with people. We ask people, “Are you from here?” or “Where were you born?” Many psychotherapists will open their sessions with patients with the request, “Tell me about your childhood.” These questions are about defining where we’ve come from in order to make sense of where we are now. It is, in essence, the beginning of a relationship.
Our beginnings are rooted in a good God who, at the beginning of our world, was already in perfect relationship with himself: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. He says in Genesis, “Let US make humans in our image.” We were made because of the desire to share love, beauty, and goodness with a creation. Other ancient stories have myths about humans being made from wicked or evil gods. The beginning of their stories (Assyrians, Babylonians, etc.) meant that humans were made as lowly, despised creatures who were meant to serve the gods. In those stories, good and bad events were a result of judgement by the gods on human beings. In the biblical story, all of creation is made, including humans, not from evil, but from a good God who wants to be in relationship with us. We are not just creatures, we are made in God’s good image — to love and be loved.
Nowadays, the biblical story is not juxtaposed with other creation stories that involve gods, but rather with a complete lack of anyone being in control. The prevailing belief is that we are here not as a result of good or evil. We are just simply here, by chance. There is no true meaning to life or our purpose other than what we assign it. There is no story from which we come or to which we are going. It puts immense pressure on the present, perhaps with a good sense of urgency, to make the most of life. But, humans were not meant to exist without a larger story or with a story that we made up. This has incredible implications for how we view ourselves as humans and who gives us the right to be free, equal, deserving of love, and have a fair chance at life. Do we say this is true because we say so? Or, is there a larger story before we existed that compels us to be in relationship with ourselves, others, creation, and a being that is beyond our current capacities to fully understand?